Oh Christmas, how we love thee. But you do have a good knack for bringing out the ridiculous in us all, that’s for sure.
One thing I was glad of back in the early days of being cozy at home with a new baby, was that I avoided the Christmas crazies. Oh who am I kidding? What’s Christmas without the lunatics? I missed them. But this year, I’m well and truly among them.
Here they are:
#1 The Super Savvy Shopper
This is the person I want to smack repeatedly with their roll of fancy wrapping paper. Mind you, they don’t shop for wrapping paper in December, because their presents are all bought and wrapped in August. Now, they’re just the ones giving you (me) the smug side eye while you (I) cry in the queue at Marks & Spencer. They’re not Christmas shopping, you see – they’re just en route to have the Christmas drinks you won’t have time to stop for. Evil.
#2 The Last Minute Lads and Lasses
I should probably be in this category myself. I stand in solidarity with anyone who still has stuff to buy on Christmas Eve. Spot our kind by identifying that look of frenzied fear in our eyes an hour before the Trafford Centre (or insert name of your nearest hell-on-earth mall here) shuts up shop on the 24th. Then we’re the ones often still fighting with sticky tape and sparkly paper on Christmas morning. We start on the Buck’s Fizz well before noon on the Big Day just to calm down. Every year we swear next December will be different. It never is.
#3 The Misery Guts
These people go round spouting “Bah Humbug” at everyone and declaring repeatedly how much they hate Christmas, it’s soooo commercial. Well, we hate you! Christmas is about being happy – the consumerism doesn’t have to be all consuming! And here’s the thing – even Scrooge was a Christmas convert. So shut up, go home and watch It’s a Wonderful Life.
#4 The Festive Lush
Ah, the Christmas party animals. They can’t wait for December because it means they can justifiably be out every night (rather than just every weekend). They’re drunk or hungover for thirty days solid, and will either call in sick after the work’s do because they can’t face the ridicule, or will be so hardcore that they’ll turn up at the office with last night’s glitter still on their cheek; brushing off every attempt at mockery by telling you they’ll behave far worse tonight. And you know it’s true.
#5 The Christmas Pervert
Oh you know who I mean. That bloke (or bird) who doesn’t go out all year and then rubs their hands with glee the minute the radio starts playing Wham. They’ve got no mates, but Christmas gives them the excuse to just go the pub anyway. That’s where you’ll see them staring at all the girls (or boys), and probably wearing the kind of Christmas jumper that says “creepy” rather than “kitsch”. Then, if you’re unlucky enough to encounter them on their final performance (also known as New Year’s Eve), run – because their slimy lips will be after a midnight kiss for sure. You’ve been warned…
And a bonus one to spot:
The Mega Mum on a Mission
I saw something in the aforementioned Trafford centre back in those early days of motherhood. It was a woman carrying a baby on her hip, pushing a buggy bursting with boxes bigger than the flat I used to live in, bags dangling from the handles, wrapping paper rolls under her arm. She was like some sort of Amazonian Christmas warrior. Boudica with jingle bells on.
Signs of festive fluster were decidedly absent. She was blitzing it. I was in awe. I wanted to be just like her.
Needless to say, I can’t pull that sh*t off and I’m sure whoever she is, she’s cooking dinner for 565345 people this year and won’t even break a sweat. I, meanwhile will probably throw money at the nursery to save me the panic of multitasking for an afternoon. And my dad is helping me cook the dinner. Maybe next year, eh?
So there it is.
My massively generalised round up of people and their behaviour at Christmas.
Which character are you?